Pieces of Us...

Oh Where to Begin...... - Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I guess your probably wondering where the hell I have been for the past few months. Can I just say one word? "Hell!" My life has been a series of misfortunate events and total hell in my marriage. Things were SO bad that we finally had a blow up and the big "D" word was discussed. Now I ask you, I don't think either of us are the best parents in the world. We aren't bad, but with both of us working and the strains of raising a small family with the two of us in the house, I can only imagine what it was going to be like trying to do it on our own.

Jonathan and I have not really been happy for close to 5 years. Things only got worse when the kids came along because most of our time was totally devoted to work or the kids and we totally let our marriage go. There was no communication, no affection, no love. It was kind of like we had settled into a "routine" and we didn't make much time for ourselves.

I know, I know, only a few months ago we took a vacation away from the kids and took the cruise, but we really didn't communicate that much during our entire vacation. I can only say one thing about our marriage, "It has been B-A-D for quite some time." I'm sure you have probably picked up a lot of it from my journal, but I've never really been detailed.

Anyway, moving on with the story. The straw that broke the camel's back was a week or so ago when we had a row in front of Skyler. Not really a screaming match, but we were not being nice to each other. It was early in the morning before work and things just escalated from one thing to another. Finally at the end of it Jonathan finally said, "You know what, I'm just tired. I'm tired of this marriage and I just can't take it any more." Now we have said these things to each other before, but this time I really knew he meant it. We hadn't tried to work at our marriage we had just been rolling along from day to day.

So for almost a week I tried and tried to get Jonathan to talk about it, to no avail. He wouldn't discuss filing for divorce, moving out, etc. He just wouldn't talk about it whatsoever. He just kept saying he was tired and it was over. He also kept saying that he wasn't just going to "walk out the door," that he wouldn't do that to us, but that we were over. It took me several days to comprehend what was going on. Because not only do we have this going on, but Jonathan is having some SERIOUS medical problems that we don't really know a whole lot about at this time. I won't even go there until we know more from the testing he has had done the past few weeks. So, more on that at a later date.

But we had never resolved anything, everything was just kind of in "limbo." I began looking at apartments in the area, thinking of how I was going to get the kids to and from daycare alone, how life was going to be without Jonathan, etc. It was all really stressing.

So finally Saturday morning I pin him down and try and get him to talk. It is almost impossible to have a serious discussion with a 3 year old and a 9 month old in the house. Skyler was jumping up and down on Jonathan and we couldn't discuss anything, so I called up our babysitter and asked her if she could keep the kids for the day and possibly all night. She said no problem (thank the Lord for her). Jonathan dropped the kids off at the babysitters and came back home and we sat down and had an 8 hour discussion. Yes 8 HOURS!! We had 5 years of crap to get over and talk about. Things that wasn't going right, things the other needed to change, things we needed to change on our own, etc. The first 3 hours or so were discussions on how it was going to be after we divorced. Where I was going to live, how involved he wanted to be, etc. And I think at some point after I was laying it on the line for him he finally had an epiphany and realized that he didn't want to lose his family and we both realized that we are in still in love and that we didn't want our family to break up.

I couldn't even begin to go into the details, but it seems that we have finally made some decisions about how things need to change. So we are at a much happier place right now. Things have gone great so far and I know that we are really going to have to "work" at this marriage and not just let everything slide to the side.

As Jonathan and I were laying in bed last night talking he said something to me. He said, "As you and I were talking on the phone yesterday and we were hanging up, I told you I loved you and Eric said, was that your wife?" He was like, "Um yeah." And Eric said, "Man I've never heard you say that before."

So for now all is well in the world and keep hopefully we can make this marriage work. I mean how hard would it be to throw away 15 years of marriage away? Two beautiful and healthy children, we have a nice home, good jobs, etc. To let that go would have been a tragedy.

Ok, I have rambled enough for now. I need to get off my butt and fix the blog back up. I notice my picture isn't working, some links, etc., but this blog has been the last thing on my mind for the last few months. I'll update everyone on Jonathan's condition as soon as we know more. Keeps us in your thoughts and prayers!!!

Oh Where to Begin...... Monica; 9:11 AM

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